Becoming Motherhood

"You are not your thoughts, or your moods, that all pass. You are, in your essence, benevolence."
 -Buddha

"Mindful motherhood is not about becoming someone other than who you already are."

 "These facts are not necessarily good or bad. They just are."
-Cassandra Vieten
I will admit I've had a rough go at the first month of motherhood. My expectations, my guilt, my fear, my worries, my exhaustion all caught up with me. As I head into the 6th week of life as a mother I have realized that the moment your baby is born you are a mother, but it takes time, practice and awareness to become motherhood. I realize this doesn't make sense. What I mean is, you don't just become a mom overnight or through hours of intense labor. Being someone's mom and motherhood as a lifestyle are two different things. You almost have to live your way into motherhood. You have to become motherhood.

Jack is finally past the colic stage as we move into week 6. Now that I have a moment to catch my breath, I have had to come to terms with some feelings I have been having.

For instance, how do you know the difference between "baby blues" and postpartum depression? I've been extremely moody, crying at the drop of a hat, reluctant to hang out with close friends. Does that constitute postpartum depression? And how long does it go on for? I had all these questions whirling around in my head and I was afraid to admit to anyone how I felt. Mostly I thought these feelings of worry, depression and moodiness made me a bad mom.
I went for my 6 week check-up yesterday. I wanted to discuss it with my doctor then...that didn't go so well. He just signed me up for a prescription and sent me on my way. What I wanted to hear was validation. Validation that becoming a mom and living your way into motherhood is a hard transition. One that is filled with worry, regret, self-doubt, disillusionment countered with overwhelming feelings of love, excitement and awe. My fears were only exacerbated by the fact that his suggestion to me equaled some inadequacy on my inability to handle the transition. As if I had control over how I am feeling. That was the thing. I wanted to validate the fact that you can't choose how you handle the transition.

That is what caught me off guard about this whole thing. It's not that I wasn't prepared on how hard it would be. I love being around children. I was a nanny up until the third trimester. At times I would watch up to four children under the age of three for 8 hours at a time. I knew how hard it could be. I felt more than capable and prepared. I knew the downsides of the sometimes loneliness of being the only adult or the fear and worry when something goes wrong. I even watched a three month old baby boy who had colic. He would cry a majority of the time I was there. So why was I having such a hard time. Why couldn't I control how I felt?

I came to realize that maybe that's the thing. Maybe the lack of control on how you become a mother; on how motherhood takes shape is the part that is so grappling.

I filled the prescription. I didn't take the medicine though. I couldn't bring myself to it. There is nothing wrong with taking it. I know that, but I don't think validation comes in a bottle- nor does control.